Sleep…
Yes, they made us do 5 sleep studies…
Sleep
Sleep is not a surrender.
It is a negotiation
held in low light
with machines that speak in numbers.
~
It took a year
to earn the right
to exhale.
~
They watched.
They measured.
They demanded proof.
As if breath must justify itself
before it’s allowed to stay.
~
They asked for more data.
We gave them time.
They asked again.
We gave them patience
we didn’t have.
~
Grace stood beside me
like a faithful Picasso—
cut, pasted, held together
with love and defiance.
I learned another way to stand
on buckled knees and caffeine highs.
~
Yes, we make it look easy.
Yes, it’s fucking hard.
That is our best trick.
Behind it:
steel, fatigue, language I don’t use
unless it matters.
~
Last night, sleep arrived
not as rest
but as resistance.
~
A quiet hum said
not tonight
to the dip, the pause, the panic.
A mask whispered
stay
to a body that has already carried enough.
~
We stood our ground—
barely.
~
He breathes—
soundly.
~
I collapse—
finally,
with permission.
~
Behind the Poem
After 5 sleep studies and over 1 year of waiting, we finally got Bray Bray’s CPAP machine. He was diagnosed with sleep apnea at the end of 2024, but they always wanted “more data” and another sleep study before finally giving us what we need so he can sleep more soundly, without us worrying about his oxygen levels and breathing capabilities overnight.
Those 5 sleep studies meant 5 extra nights at the hospital as an out-patient procedure, 10 follow-up appointments (5 with neuro and 5 with pulmonology), and 13 months of knowing he has this condition but having to wait for it to be properly “assessed” and treated.
My wife Melanie is more gracious than me, and this was her “collage” photo she put together.
Yes, we make it look easy. And yes, it’s fucking hard. I don’t curse all that much, but this one is warranted and earns its place here.
The last stanza of the poem is about finally giving myself permission to have a good night’s sleep after everything we went through during this process.
The good news is that Bray Bray slept well overnight, and finally, so did we.
~
And check out Bray Bray in this video following two good nights of sleep, clapping along to my poem turned to song, Happy Hands!
~
That’s all from me — Chris B.
I had to use a pillow to read this so I don't cry. The love and grace you have for your son is beyond remarkable and we should all learn from you Chris. I was raised to care for more than myself. I feel that spirit all over this post and it's such a delight 💛
Thank you beyond words my friend.
My middle son Maddox was born with a form of sleep apnea. But we didn't know anything about it at the time (he turns 22 next month) all I knew is that I would be holding my baby and he would stop breathing sometimes for 13 seconds then breathe then no breath for another 13 seconds which if you're a mom holding a newborn baby 13 seconds is a lifetime of fear and panic. He was almost a year old before I got a good night sleep because before that he was on a machine that would send the most horrific shrill sound throughout the house if he stopped breathing for more than three seconds. And that happened every single night. I don't know what kind of long-term damage it did on him because we've never sat down and factored it into anything dealing with his current life but I'm sure that all of that lack of sleep as a baby wasn't good for him. He is an athletic kid with a heart of gold but definitely not a straight A student. I know that the lack of sleep had a definite effect on his father and I because we wound up getting divorced before he was 18 months old and I think my absolute exhaustion and frustration had a lot to do with why we couldn't get along. I felt this post with every fiber of my being and it brought me right back to 21 years ago when I was living through the same nightmare with no understanding or resources other than the sleep center in the small town that we lived in who for whatever reason just would not give me any extra information they just kept saying we're looking into it just keep the monitors on him when he sleeps And if it goes off check on him and make sure he's OK. And that was literally all the information we got for months and months. I am so happy that you finally had the answers you need and that your son is able to sleep through the night. I'll stop reading this and go get some sleep trust me you've earned it and you deserve it and by God your body needs it.